Leave bread crumbs about yourself to keep your avoidant interested in you. They’ll think about you more intently (in a good way). Don’t withhold too much. An avoidant person likes a little challenge, but also wants to feel like they’re making progress towards figuring you out. Being mysterious doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts and feelings. Just share your life story in chapters instead of throwing the whole book at them.
Recreational sports or outdoor activities like volleyball or pickup soccer. Taking a walk through a new neighborhood or park. A cooking, dance, or gardening class.
It’s difficult to compliment someone who’s pulling away from you. Do your best to say nice things about them even though you’re unhappy about their current behavior. Let them know they’re the only person you’re interested in. Say things like “no one is as nice to me as you” or “you’re the most interesting person I know. ”
Lean in slightly while you talk, keep your shoulders low and relaxed, make eye contact for more than three seconds, and face them with your shoulders and feet to show your interest. Try not to cross your arms or let your eyes wander—it’ll make the avoidant feel nervous or unwanted. Avoidants usually have nervous or inhibited body language themselves since they’re not sure how much to interact or proceed with someone. Do some light touching on the arm and try to mirror their behavior whenever possible.
It seems cold to let them wander, but for an avoidant, a little cold is attractive! Once they admit to themselves how much they miss you romantically, they’ll return. Think of it like fishing—if you pull too hard too fast, you might break the line and lose the fish. Alternate reeling them in and letting them loose a little until they’re comfortable committing.
Barrages of texts or frequent requests for attention might overwhelm an avoidant. Discuss boundaries to see what they’re comfortable with—they’ll appreciate your efforts to understand them.
It’s hard to wait, so occupy yourself with hobbies that fulfill you and spend time with people who support you. Just because you’re waiting on them doesn’t mean your life is on pause! A little FOMO can work wonders. If you’re having the time of your life even though they’re not with you, it’ll drive them crazy enough to come running back.
Try not to misinterpret their slow communication as cruelty or ignorance. When you accuse them of wrongdoing, they’ll take it as a reason to get even more distant. It takes time to accept and get used to this irregular communication. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t adapt right away. When an avoidant sees that you’re still there for them during their isolated spells, they’ll feel more confident in you and your future together.
Don’t confuse looking good with attention from the avoidant. Tend to your appearance because it makes you feel confident—your avoidant would be lucky to be with you right now! If the avoidant sees other people giving you attention or hitting on you, it may trigger their FOMO and motivate them to reach out to you.
Try not to post for a few days or weeks. At the very least, avoid posting photos of you with your avoidant date (it’ll increase their anxiety). Overall, avoidant people use social media less than others as a way to maintain privacy and keep their romantic lives hidden. [12] X Research source
Rushing or pressuring them into anything—a commitment, a dog together, even just a date—can make them feel closed in. Respect an avoidant’s need for time to make decisions and choose to pursue you. After you stick it out, they’ll feel closer and more trusting towards you.
Share how much you appreciate it when they open up to you (and reassure them you’re always there for them). Tell them you enjoy their company or that you always have fun when they’re around. Subtly acknowledge the sweet nothings and small favors they do for you that hint they’re warming up (a smile or squeeze of their hand is enough).
Only make promises you can keep and follow up on. Always be honest and open about your feelings. Match your actions to your words to prove you mean what you say.
