If your coworker thinks that your project isn’t ready, and you absolutely think it is, you might say, “Look, we both want the project to be successful, right? Here’s why I think it’s ready…” If you’re arguing with someone from a different political party, you might say, “Can we at least accept that we both want the best for the country? I think we’re on the same page there. ” Identifying common ground keeps you from seeing the other person as your enemy. If you share a common concern or interest, they can’t really be your opposition.
If this is hard for you, tell the other person! There’s nothing wrong with saying (in a respectful manner) something like, “I’m really struggling to understand where you’re coming from. Can you walk me through how you arrived at this position?” There’s nothing intolerant about that.
For example, if someone says, “I believe everyone deserves a tax break,” you might ask, “So you think that taxes are too high?” or, “Do you mean literally every single citizen?” If someone claims that they’re not in favor of making a video for your group project at school, you might ask, “Do you think we’ll get a better grade if we do a play instead?” or, “Do you think it’s going to be too time-consuming to make a movie for the project?”
This can be very hard to do in the heat of the moment if you’re discussing a particularly heavy topic. Just do your best to monitor what’s happening inside of you—the more aware you are, the easier it will be to respond logically, not emotionally. Being tolerant does not mean “not disagreeing. ” It’s totally fine to have differing viewpoints, but it’s not okay to put someone down for who they are, or totally shut someone down for having an alternative perspective.
It’s easy to just pick up on a keyword at the beginning of an opinion and extrapolate from there. Someone might say, “I don’t think the president…” and that might be all you hear if you like president! Their position may be more nuanced than that though, so don’t jump the gun.
It’s possible that you’re lashing out because you feel completely misunderstood. Maybe you just need to rephrase your opinion? You might feel kind of activated because you have an illogical belief about the person you’re speaking to. Maybe you don’t understand their position? If you’ve got an underlying bias about the other person, the stereotype in your mind might make you come off as intolerant. In these cases, focusing on the argument or opinion alone can help.
Use “I” language when you share your opinion, and stay away from the pronoun “you” whenever possible. Think of the difference between, “I think it’s important to protect the environment,” and “You don’t care about the planet. ” One is a statement of belief. The other is an indictment against a person. Never criticize another person for who they are as a person. Their race, age, nationality, and religion aren’t up for debate.
This can be especially difficult if you ever discuss contentious topics, like race, religion, gender, or politics. When you have these conversations, try to cushion your responses to people with phrases like, “I mean no disrespect here” and, “This is just my personal belief. ”
The same way you build a tolerance to something like medicine, alcohol, or caffeine over time, you can build a tolerance to different opinions. If everyone you hang out with looks like you, sounds like you, and believes the same things you do, you’ll never get the practice you need being around a variety of different perspectives.
For example, if you have a natural distrust of people who say they’re feminists, you might watch videos about what feminists actually believe, or read books written by key feminist authors. It might be uncomfortable to imagine now, but maybe you’ll agree with them. Even simply watching movies about people you tend to not be very tolerant of can make a huge difference.
This may seem like kind of an odd connection, but people often react sharply just because they’re on edge. If you’re just generally kind of stressed out all of the time, it can make you come off as intolerant.
If you live in a rural or suburban area, even a weekend trip to the nearest big city can help. Cities tend to generally be very diverse, tolerant places![13] X Research source
