Compare, for example, the following “I” and “you” statements and how family members would be likely to respond: “I understand that you’re all very busy, but I feel ignored and left out all the time, and I don’t believe that’s fair or good for me. ” “You’re all so busy with your own things that you completely ignore me and don’t seem to care that you’re hurting me. ”
Don’t get discouraged if your family members are hesitant or not receptive at the start. So long as you sense that there’s hope for improvement, keep at it and give your family the chance to come around. If there is simply no common ground and no way to build a connection, accept that you’ve done your best to improve the situation. Sadly, your family simply may not be willing to give you the love you deserve. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it can also free you to find the love you need from other caring people in your life.
You might say, for example: “I accept that, because of my frustration, I haven’t been as supportive of you guys as I should be, and that has only made things worse. ” If your family members refuse to accept any responsibility, remind yourself that that’s their choice to make and out of your control. Turn your focus toward the things you can control, like your own actions.
If you’ve admitted to yourself that you haven’t been very supportive of your family members, for example, you might challenge yourself to make at least one encouraging statement to each family member every day. Remember that your goal is to be an improved version of yourself, not to completely change who you are. If that’s not enough to earn the love of your family, then the fault is all theirs.
For example, if your brother has been really unkind to you, you may want to get back at him by spreading an embarrassing rumor about him at school. This might feel good for a moment, but will further damage your relationship with him. Instead, talk one-on-one, or with other family members present, about how his actions have made you feel.
Showing respect doesn’t mean you can’t have your own opinions or disagree with other family members. It does mean that you should avoid personal attacks when you do have disagreements. Stay calm and explain your side of things. Hopefully this will inspire your family members to do the same.
For example, offer a helping hand to put away the groceries without being asked. Or, if you get the feeling that a family member could use some encouraging words, say something nice.
However, don’t try to be so independent that you refuse to ask for help. To build a more loving relationship within your family, be willing to help them when they need it, and be willing to ask for help from them when you need it.
Say “I love you” to family members when you really feel it, so that it’s meaningful when you use those words.
For example: “I’d really like to make the effort to spend more time with you guys. It seems like all of us—me included—are always off doing our own things, and I hope you’ll agree that we can become closer if we find ways to spend more time together.
You might go on a picnic, visit a museum, attend a sporting event, see a concert, or just go for a nature walk together. Once you get the ball rolling with coming up with family activities, let each family member take turns choosing what to do together.
Yes, it’s also true that “together time” can sometimes result in disputes and arguments. Take a break when being together is getting contentious and try again another time. Don’t give up!
You might raise the subject to a close friend like this: “Cam, I know you already know that I’ve been having some major issues with my family. I really need to talk to someone I can trust about how I see things and feel about the situation. I’d also really like to hear what you have to say about things. Is this a good time to talk?” This trusted person might give you advice for approaching your family or even end up serving as a mediator to help facilitate the process. Or, they might help you realize that your family is incapable of providing the love you crave and deserve.
